As I sit here in TN crying my eyes out I realize just how scared I am. This trip has not been a vacation like it usually is. I haven’t hung out with my friends much, infact I’ve slept most of the week. I’ve got so much on my mind and so much to say that this is going to be long and probably mixed up. I want a new life right now. I don’t want new friends, don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and Jon, it’s the situation I can’t stand. I live with people who can’t go a day without causing drama, want to know everything about everything I do, and one of whom’s lost my respect. There’s 6 of us in the house and lets just say 6 adults living in one house isn’t exactly fun. My job is fairly cool, but since I work for Jon’s parents I don’t really get paid much. I keep getting bitched at to get another job, and well I’m so close to telling them to stick their job where the sun doesn’t shine but I don’t really feel like sleeping on Lucena’s couch. I could go back to Skechers but I’d end up killing myself. I’m on a controled substance for panic attacks and it’s honestly not helping much considering I’m in TN right now. I want a new look as well. I want to lose weight so that I look good in more things. I can’t do it though when I’m on meds that make me gain and I don’t live on my own. I need my own place. I want to just stay here and sleep for about 3 weeks but I know I have to go back to reality sooner or later. I wish I had more money though because I’d really like to get my business cards made. Nothing seems to be going right right now. I just want to hide… oh wait, that’s what I’m doing right now.
What do you want to do when you grow up?
We are asked this question from the day we can understand what a question is. Do we ever really come up with an actual answer? Do we ever really know without a doubt what we want to do with our lives? Is there some sort of formula to figuring out the perfect job?
Today I was sitting in my DRS Councelor’s office discussing what we need to do to help me get to my goals when we realized that we needed to focus a bit more on what my goals were. Sure I have a general idea of what I want to do, I even have a flow chart of my goals, but when I thought about what I really wanted to do, I didn’t have a specific answer. At this moment I realized, I’m 23 years old and have been wandering around aimlessly so to speak. For some people it’s enough to just get by and have a job and a house. For others it’s not. I have always known that a typical life for me would be boring. I get bored easily and cannot do the same thing over and over.
I don’t know what the future will hold for me, but I do know that I don’t want a normal office job where I copy things and fax things, I don’t want a retail job or a factory job, I want a career that challenges me each day with something new. I want a job that is rewarding in more ways that just money, I want to step back from my work and be able to say, “I did that, I am responsible for this.” I am so sick of the lack of recognition and challenge in jobs. I cannot stress enough how unsatisfied I am with most jobs.
I currently am a Marketing Manager for a team of Realtors which I do enjoy. It’s not bad, in fact I really like it. I get some recognition for it, but there’s still that lack of challenge and reward. It’s a great job and I am good at it, but I don’t feel like my brain is being stimulated much. I feel like I’m missing out on something better suited to me.
From today on I am going to start thinking about one thing, what do I want to do? Not what am I good at, but what do I want to do? What will fill this hole and make my life feel meaningful and complete?